Sometimes anxiety weighs heavily upon my chest. I feel like I can't breathe. I question every move I make. Am I doing enough? Am I doing it right? Who should I read next? What's new in research? What does the future hold for our family?
I'm married and my husband leaves the decision making to me. I do all the reading and research. Sometimes I read three books simultaneously. I have a downstairs book, an upstairs book, and a bathroom book. I read with my son in my arms until he wants to lick the book.
I feel terribly isolated. I'm with my son 24/7/365. I have no friends, and no job outside of the home. Support groups in the area don't meet at times that match my husband's schedule, ( we have one vehicle) or my son's therapy schedule. This year has been hard.
There are days that I want to sit and cry, but I dare not. I'm afraid that once those tears come, they won't end. Or I'll become a person in serious need of some serious medication. I push my feelings down so deep, I know that one day, I'm going to explode on some poor undeserving person. Because of that, there are days that I am afraid to leave my house.
I know I CAN'T be the only mother of an autistic child who feels this way. I can't be the only one who struggles with the fact that my child does not fit into the world the way I do. I can't be the only one who agonizes over my choice in therapies and therapists. Who prays that I made the right decision for the next phase of his education. I can't be the only one who wants to shout at the world, " THIS IS LIFE WITH AUTISM" I can't be the only wife who wants to shout at her husband, " HELP ME" I just can't be the only one.
Please, someone, tell me that I'm not.